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Marking as IELTS band 7?  

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maartje_wouters
(@maartje_wouters)
New Member
Joined: 3 weeks ago
Posts: 3
06/08/2019 11:26 pm  

Roughly three decades ago internet was invented and conveniently changed the way we live today.
In this essay I will notify the amazing positive benefits the internet has brought us but will also discuss the negative effects it brings to people social life.

Surprisingly, internet has rapidly changed modern society to such an extend that we can’t live without it comfortably anymore. The internet has bought numerous positive changes such as the information it provides and the way we communicate.
For example, we can search information anytime about our health and make clear judgements if or when we need to see an health professional. The information, which should include some useful home remedies, could speed our recovery.
Professional healthcare use the internet on a daily basis and has produced a more efficient healthcare system due to the communication they can have with their patience. For instance, while paramedics are on their way to the hospital with an hear attack patience, they can send the vital information about the heart quickly to the duty doctor for a more sufficient response. Importantly, the patience has a greater chance of survival.

While communication can provide a huge benefit to modern life, it can cause isolation as a negative impact. Anything a human being needs can be bought online and delivered to your doorstep. Unfortunately, this way people don’t have to leave their houses and therefor will have less face to face contact with the outside world. Furthermore, the way we communicate online has increased significantly and as a result we meet less people on a daily basis which can lead to isolation or a reduction in social skills.

In conclusion, internet has produced an easier way of living due to the information it provides and the convenience way of keeping in touch with the people around us. While these positive changes made our lives better, it can isolate humans because they won’t have to leave their home to go shopping or keep in touch with their friends. It is important to leave your home and have a conversation with anybody you possibly can meet.


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maartje_wouters
(@maartje_wouters)
New Member
Joined: 3 weeks ago
Posts: 3
06/08/2019 11:27 pm  

I would like to know your opinion. Would you mark my writing as a band 7 level for IELTS?


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Sam
 Sam
(@admin)
Member Admin
Joined: 4 months ago
Posts: 10
07/08/2019 1:29 am  

Hi there Maartje,

Remember to post the essay task as well as your essay so that we can make sure that your arguments are relevant. Does the task specifically ask for your opinion on the Internet's effect on people's social life? Or is it more just positives and negatives of the internet?

You are not too far away from a band 7 but you need to correct a few issues here relating to vocabulary, grammar and essay organisation.

Let's talk about vocab/grammar first. There are a few errors that you need to correct for. I will highlight some examples:
'I will notify the...' should be 'I will illustrate/highlight/describe/demonstrate the...'
'to people('s) social live(s)' Pay attention to singular and plural nouns.
'Surprisingly, (the) internet...' Use 'the' before 'internet'
'(a) health professional
'Professional healthcare use(s)...'

You repeatedly use the 'patience' instead of the correct word 'patient'.

As for your essay organisation, your first body paragraph talks specifically about the effect of the internet on health. If this is true, the paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that explains this: 'The internet has bought numerous positive changes to the ways that we look after our health.' Instead, your topic sentence is 'Surprisingly, internet has rapidly changed modern society to such an extend that we can’t live without it comfortably anymore.' which is a repeat of your first introduction sentence. The sentence 'The internet has bought numerous positive changes such as the information it provides and the way we communicate.' is not really supported since you only talk about effects on health, rather than information and communication in general.

You second body paragraph is more succinct and your conclusion is good, although this clause 'positive changes make our lives better' doesn't really communicate any information so doesn't need to be included. I think your suggestion at the end is also too simplistic - you write 'have a conversation with anybody you possibly can meet' which is very difficult to do since you can possibly meet thousands of people when you go outside. Something like 'It is important for our mental health that when we go outside we make an effort to build real connections with the people we meet.'

Keep working. Keep your essay organised and make sure that you fulfill the promises you make in your thesis statement and topic sentences.

Sam


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maartje_wouters
(@maartje_wouters)
New Member
Joined: 3 weeks ago
Posts: 3
08/08/2019 1:21 am  

Thank you so much Sam for your fast responds! Kind regards maartje


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